we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can you bring me the toilet please
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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