I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
