I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
