thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize