we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
