I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
