hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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