How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
