I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my phone needs a breathalizer
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Randomize
