3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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