I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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