Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
