Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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