I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You were trust falling into bushes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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