I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
