i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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