i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
