my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
