glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
