ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
