when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
