His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
COCAINE IS GR8
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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