He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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