Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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