I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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