i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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