uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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