Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
