i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
