bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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