I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
