I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
