You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
