im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
