I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
