he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
