I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
