i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
50% drunk capacity currently
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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