Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
