Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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