The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
