i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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