I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
