Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
