I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize