I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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