Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
