My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
