Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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