Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
