he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
