Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
