Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it's great music for shaving your balls
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
