i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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