you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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